Seeing College Students Overwhelmed by Stress Makes me Think Twice about College Admission Goals

This is the start of the college admission season when High School Seniors who’ve applied to colleges for regular admission (as opposed to early admission,) or those who were deferred in early admission, will hear where they’ve been admitted.  And they’ll hear where admission has been denied them.  Those are the words – Admitted, Denied. 

This is also finals week at some colleges on the quarter system.  In the past week, I have learned of two students who have attempted or commited suicide this week. As the mother of two college students I feel so sad for the parents and sad that nobody knew these students were stressed to their limit. It’s becoming very clear to me why it’s important to send students to colleges that are a “fit” for them, where they can be challenged but not overwhelmed. 

I admit I was obsessed with and committed to getting my children into a tip top college even before they were born.  I did not go to a tip top college and when I worked in New York I saw the advantages going to a school like that gave my friends.  They were confident in the big city business environment, well-travelled, and they were part of a network of newly graduated students and their parents who were working in New York corporations.  They had MBAs – I didn’t even know what an “MBA” was. 

How many times, starting when my son was in eighth grade, did I hear our school college counselors and faculty advise parents, “There is a right school for every student,” and “It will all work out fine,” and “Your child will get into a school where he/she can thrive.”  I didn’t believe a word of it.  I thought they were trying to get me to not be so ambitious and competitive, not to pressure my children, not to have high expectations for my family.

I sent my kids to an academically challenging K-12 school starting when they were in Kindergarten.  I expected them to work hard, be in the top of their class, get A’s, and do well in every extra-curricular activity.  When they chose a sport to specialize in, I was proud that both of them worked harder than anyone and excelled in their sport.  I made them study for the SAT all summer between sophomore and junior years, taking monitored practice tests over and over so they could get an excellent score. I now have two college students at excellent schools, and they are doing very well.  But I have a new perspective. 

I’ve recently had a chance to talk with my children and many of their friends about college life. And guess what?  College is hard everywhere!  The classes in college are all difficult. There are brilliant students taking those classes wherever you go, and sometimes there is NO curve.  College students all have to manage their time well, plan ahead, go to every class, meet with the TA if they need help.  Many college students (mine included) are coming from high schools where they were Top Dog and now they’re NOBODY - just another student in a difficult Chemistry class.  College students have to find the confidence to keep studying even when they get bad grades, when they haven’t slept because the dorm is noisy, when they’re sick, and when they’re discouraged because they couldn’t complete the Econ problem set, or they got a C on the Statistics mid-term.  I understand how college students can buckle under the pressure if they’re not where they should be.

Now I see that there are many “tip top” colleges, and that college admissions officers are looking for students who have developed a set of study skills and accomplishments that will allow them to thrive at their particular college.  They want a “match” of the student’s abilities and interests with the college’s environment and challenges.  They want students to be happy, make lots of friends, find new interests, and graduate.  It might seem like our high school counselors, the college admissions officers, and ambitious parents are working at cross purposes, but really we’re not.  We are all trying to develop confident, successful young adults – wherever they go.

Comments

[Carrie in Portland]

Thank you for writing this...so many of us "just want the best for our kids" and overlook the subtle hints that our kids give about where they ACTUALLY fit in, where they are comfortable, where they are happy. It happens with school, friends, sports. I think kids can grow from a spot of comfort and confidence -- the constant pushing can keep some kids fragile.